


some secrets hurt

by loading_username



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Aaron Hotchner Needs a Hug, Aaron Hotchner's Guilt Complex, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt, Episode Related, Episode: s06e18 Lauren, Fake Character Death, Feels, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Lies, Missing Scene, Poor Aaron Hotchner, Revised Version, Season/Series 06, Secrets, Team as Family, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:27:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27813793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loading_username/pseuds/loading_username
Summary: The aftermath of Emily Prentiss' 'death' is hard for everyone, but especially for the people who know the truth.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner & The BAU Team
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	some secrets hurt

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted in 2011 elsewhere. Posted here now mostly for archiving purposes.
> 
> Thanks to nebula2 for the initial beta. Any remaining mistakes are my own.

_"Sorrow you can hold, however desolating, if nobody speaks to you. If they speak, you break down." - Bede Jarrett._

As he watches his colleagues and friends around the table in the conference room, Aaron Hotchner cannot help feeling he failed them. Not only as a leader but as a friend. He has never considered himself as a particularly good friend, but right now he feels like the worst friend ever. He feels that he does not deserve their trust.

As team leader, he has always tried to make things as painless and simple as possible for his team and has often wished to have the power to do something to make them feel better when needed. And that is exactly what it is. Right now, he has the opportunity to take away the sadness and grief that fills them, _his friends_ , just by telling them she's fine. That she isn't dead. But he won't. He can't. Because that would mean putting her, not only one of his agents but _a friend_ in danger and that's something he would never forgive himself for.

He remembers their first day back after they bur… after what happened. Strauss had ordered a week off for the whole team. He entered his office, unable to stop thinking about it, and then later in the day, he found himself looking at the bullpen through the window, hoping to find Prentiss, Reid, and Morgan joking around as they took a break from their work, and instead, he found Morgan absently typing on his computer and Reid looking at the now clean desk in front of his.

It had been then that it really hit him what had happened, and what was happening with the team. It had taken a little bit, but after calling his son and talking to him for a while he had been able to return to work.

But now, staring at Penelope, he had to literally hold his tongue to avoid saying anything. Her dress and makeup are bright and shiny as usual, but the joy does not reach her face. Behind her pink glasses her eyes are bloodshot from the many tears shed and her lips usually in a bright smile are now forming a tight line.

He looks at her as he attempts to smile and give Morgan a witty reply to something he said, but her voice breaks mid-sentence, and then, she's fighting back tears. Morgan immediately puts an arm around her, and as the first tear runs down her cheek, Hotch has to look away.

Penelope Garcia is the light in the dark for them. She's already there, ready to say whatever she can think of make you laugh whether you're having a bad day or not, and if she falls apart, they all do as well, because they cannot function without that. They just can't.

It turns out that looking away doesn't really help because now he's looking straight at Spencer who is sitting in his usual chair, his gaze lowered.

Spencer, who has not been reciting statistics and random details about anything like he always did, Spencer, who has been keeping to himself, barely interacting with anyone and pulling away little by little. Spencer, who has a long experience in being abandoned by the people he loves.

Hotch can't help remembering how Reid had taken Jason's and Elle's departures, and how the young agent had called him when he learned Strauss had offered him early retirement and asked in a small voice if he would leave the BAU. It was not the same this time because Jason and Elle had decided to leave, and although Spencer could not see them anymore, he knew they were out there somewhere looking for a new purpose and happiness. No, this was different because Emily had been taken away from them. She was gone forever, or at least that's what Reid and the rest of the team thought.

Hotch made a promise with himself to keep an eye on him. The last thing he- they needed was something happening to the younger agent because they were too busy to think about him.

Moving his gaze, Hotch was not surprised to see that Morgan was keeping an eye on Reid too.

Derek is feeling angry, sad, and guilty. Angry with himself for not being able to do something and also at Emily for not telling them- _him_ what was happening, and then comes the guilt because she was 'death' and he shouldn't be angry at her. He hasn't spoken about his feeling with anyone, but Hotch knows. He has seen it in the other man's eyes at the funeral. Derek didn't say anything, because he was holding himself together for them. For the team. Hotch knows because he had done the same thing himself many times before and because if he did not know the truth, he would be doing the same.

Derek's role is to be rock. The older brother who offers to listen, who takes care of his family and puts his own feelings aside. He focuses all of his attention on others and when he is alone, only then he can acknowledge his own feelings. He knows Morgan has accompanied Penelope to the cemetery almost every day, and stayed close to Spencer trying to get him to talk or just be there for him.

After Doyle, Derek had become even more protective of the team and Hotch didn't say anything because that was the way Derek handled things; taking care of others.

Then there was Dave. Of everyone on the team, Hotch is having the hardest time not telling him. Not only because he is his best friend and former mentor, but because after Dave's support during the investigation of Father Silvano, he and Emily had become very close.

They haven't spoken about what happened, he and Dave. Not really anyway, but he could see how much Prentiss' _'death'_ is affecting him. He has seen Dave sitting behind his desk or even in the conference room staring into space, lost in thought, or he has caught him looking at what had been Prentiss desk.

He is brought out of his thoughts, only to find everyone staring at him expectantly and slightly concerned. Clearing his throat, he ends the meeting and waits until everyone has left the room to take a deep breath. He pinches the bridge of his nose before forcing himself to pick the files from the table and walked toward his office.

Once Hotch is sitting behind his desk, he waits a few minutes before picking up the phone and dialing the familiar number. He has called her from time to time after she left the BAU, but after Doylec he called more often. They exchange greetings, but before he can say anything else she speaks, telling him what she always says when he calls: " _Everything is okay._ "

It's a vague statement, but they both know what it means and it helps him breathe a little easier. It isn't long before they turn to talk about Jack and Henry for a bit and make plans to meet soon. He thanks her softly, like he always does before hanging up.

It helps. It always helps because knowing that Prentiss is alive and safe somewhere he isn't allowed to know is a relief. He can keep doing this knowing she's safe. He can keep telling lies and watching the people he loves the most suffering if in some way it helps her. He has spent a large part of his life saying lies to protect others, and he can do it again.

Hotch only hopes that when the truth comes out, his friends- _his family_ can find it in themselves to forgive him someday.

_"No one can lie, no one can hide anything, when he looks directly into someone's eyes." - Paulo Coelho._

**Author's Note:**

> I'm afraid this is still a bit rough but it's kinds later and I don't even know what else to change, and then at the last minute it went from past to present tense so there may be a few tenses I missed. Sorry. I probably should have waited but I wanted to post it now. Still, I will probably be back in the next couple of days to do another check.


End file.
